When did I weep last? When my father passed away, in 2003, I think. Not when I saw that last bubble burst through the drip bottle, as I sat at his feet, trying to warm them, but later, when all was over, the numbness had passed, and I was all alone. And then, every day, whenever I saw the chair he had sat on just a day before he was admitted, rushed to the ICU due to a heart attack. We hadn't taken that seriously enough, given that just a couple of years before that he had walked out of the same ICU, much to the astonishment of his doctors, who had been counselling us on how to deal with a semi-paralysed man. The third day after they had predicted partial paralysis due to a stroke, and a blood clot that would be cruising in his blood stream lifelong, he just walked out. We had expected a repeat performance, and joked about how someone like him who could give heart attacks to others could get one himself. He had smiled weakly. So there were a lot of if onlys in retrospection and I had felt sad and guilty for taking the Leveler so lightly.
I had gone prepared with a couple of handkerchiefs when we went to see off Vaish. Surprisingly, we were so caught up with the baggage, the weighing, the removing, the re-arranging, that we only heaved a sigh of relief when her flight took off. There had been no time for even a tear!
After my mother in law passed away, performing the ritual of pouring water around while circumventing her, I had to finally pour some on her face....the finality hit me then, and a sob escaped.
A few sobs did escape and I broke down while reading H.M.S Ulysses some time back....had grown to love the Captain like my own dad.
But yesterday, the tears came pouring down uncontrollably. " Payithiyam, control pannikko!" my mother said. "What's the point in all those Vaishnavism classes," my husband asked, and went on to console me with talk of how the atma does not die. That was no consolation. Stoic as I am most times, this was one time when I could not reason out and be practical. " For a mouse, she has had a long life," Basu, who is doing his Ph.D at IISC, and whose mouse Trans first was until Vaish managed to save and smuggle her home, said." She was past 2 years and by all standards that is a long life, and she was well cared for too!"
But tears still kept pouring. Had she been in pain? Did she know her end was nearing? Was that why she kept climbing on to my hand every time I placed some food for her or opened her cage for some other reason? " As with appa, I had jokingly told her, " Hey, did you think it was Maithreyi?" 'Cos Trans was never very comfortable in my hands. After the initial fear, nervousness, discomfort of handling her, I had got used to her feel and thought nothing of lifting her and putting her on a shelf when I set about cleaning her cage, but she always tried to get off. "That's because she senses you are not really relaxed," Raj had said at the beginning, and later we had decided that it must be because my hands weren't that steady. But yesterday, she kept climbing on and snuggling into my hands every time she got an opportunity. I had pointed it out to my mother, and said ," Maybe she is looking for Maithreyi to come and pet her." I decided to put the POOH bear back in the cage for her to play with. She had started a habit of climbing on to the doll and not coming down even to eat, and I had assumed the soft comfort was so tempting she was sacrificing her food.So I had taken away the doll the previous day. When I realised she was looking for comfort, I put the doll back, and after a little reconnoitering, instead of the immediate climbing up, she found a suitable spot on Pooh and lay down. It was much later, after serving his dosas to my husband that I brought a few crisp pieces for Trans. She was lying by the side of Pooh, and did not perk up when I dropped the pieces inside without opening the cage. That should have alerted me, for , unless she was looking for food or water, or if something had disturbed her, she would never leave her perch on Pooh.But foolishly I assumed that she was asleep, and went about my work. Later, just before I switched off the light in the room, I picked up the cage to place it on the bed, so that no one would trip up in the dark, and saw that she was in the same position, by the side of Pooh, instead of on her, and realised something was wrong. I quickly opened the cage, and...yes, she was gone. She was already becoming stiff, and her head was turned at an angle, as though she was trying hard to lift it up. And I broke down.
The if onlys have started.
I had gone prepared with a couple of handkerchiefs when we went to see off Vaish. Surprisingly, we were so caught up with the baggage, the weighing, the removing, the re-arranging, that we only heaved a sigh of relief when her flight took off. There had been no time for even a tear!
After my mother in law passed away, performing the ritual of pouring water around while circumventing her, I had to finally pour some on her face....the finality hit me then, and a sob escaped.
A few sobs did escape and I broke down while reading H.M.S Ulysses some time back....had grown to love the Captain like my own dad.
But yesterday, the tears came pouring down uncontrollably. " Payithiyam, control pannikko!" my mother said. "What's the point in all those Vaishnavism classes," my husband asked, and went on to console me with talk of how the atma does not die. That was no consolation. Stoic as I am most times, this was one time when I could not reason out and be practical. " For a mouse, she has had a long life," Basu, who is doing his Ph.D at IISC, and whose mouse Trans first was until Vaish managed to save and smuggle her home, said." She was past 2 years and by all standards that is a long life, and she was well cared for too!"
But tears still kept pouring. Had she been in pain? Did she know her end was nearing? Was that why she kept climbing on to my hand every time I placed some food for her or opened her cage for some other reason? " As with appa, I had jokingly told her, " Hey, did you think it was Maithreyi?" 'Cos Trans was never very comfortable in my hands. After the initial fear, nervousness, discomfort of handling her, I had got used to her feel and thought nothing of lifting her and putting her on a shelf when I set about cleaning her cage, but she always tried to get off. "That's because she senses you are not really relaxed," Raj had said at the beginning, and later we had decided that it must be because my hands weren't that steady. But yesterday, she kept climbing on and snuggling into my hands every time she got an opportunity. I had pointed it out to my mother, and said ," Maybe she is looking for Maithreyi to come and pet her." I decided to put the POOH bear back in the cage for her to play with. She had started a habit of climbing on to the doll and not coming down even to eat, and I had assumed the soft comfort was so tempting she was sacrificing her food.So I had taken away the doll the previous day. When I realised she was looking for comfort, I put the doll back, and after a little reconnoitering, instead of the immediate climbing up, she found a suitable spot on Pooh and lay down. It was much later, after serving his dosas to my husband that I brought a few crisp pieces for Trans. She was lying by the side of Pooh, and did not perk up when I dropped the pieces inside without opening the cage. That should have alerted me, for , unless she was looking for food or water, or if something had disturbed her, she would never leave her perch on Pooh.But foolishly I assumed that she was asleep, and went about my work. Later, just before I switched off the light in the room, I picked up the cage to place it on the bed, so that no one would trip up in the dark, and saw that she was in the same position, by the side of Pooh, instead of on her, and realised something was wrong. I quickly opened the cage, and...yes, she was gone. She was already becoming stiff, and her head was turned at an angle, as though she was trying hard to lift it up. And I broke down.
The if onlys have started.
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